To love and to let go

She didn’t see it coming. Nothing prepared her for it. They were just friends in her book. She couldn’t even remember the inception of their friendship, but somehow, they became best of friends. No strings were supposed to be attached. He was not particularly her spec; but although she wished he were a bit different in some ways, she never loved him any less. They shared the God kind- agape kind- of love, mixed with a lot of pleasantness and some dotes of fondness. They were able to talk freely about anything… until she had to travel out of the state.

Before her travel, he had said he would miss her. The weight was in the way he said it- the emotions… but she was naïve and didn’t understand. She was only quite confused, because they had planned the trip together, and he was almost the instigator of the trip; so why would he claim to miss her that much? She would later consider this moment in retrospect, and understand why he would miss her that much, and wish for it to return, but it would be late.

They became long-distant friends due to her travel, and tried to maintain the friendship. They still considered themselves to be favorite buddies, and talked as much as they could. They were just great friends as long as she knew, until he traveled.

His travel was quite different. It was out of the country, and just as she would ever accuse him, out of sight gradually became out of mind from his angle. She accused him of not thinking much about her. She became angry, and wouldn’t be nice. She wouldn’t even consider that he may have been trying to re-adjust to his new life overseas. He responded, and begged her to understand and to be kind… she couldn’t… she hadn’t figured out the source and reason for her feigned bitterness. By the time she had it figured out: that she was missing him sorely, it was late… he would rather they were silent than having to fight all the time. And she agreed to the silence, as she’d rather sulk than reveal… she was afraid: was she supposed to miss him that badly? She was proud: he wasn’t her spec after all. She tried to chide herself out of it, but the more she did try, the more she realized that she had become emotionally attached to him.

Her friends told her she was in love, but she denied and defended: more to herself than to them. For the most part of her youth, she had carefully prevented and avoided running into such mess with her male friends, so it was hard for her to embrace her new reality.

Since they had become silent-communicating friends, they only way he would know about her new feelings for him was either by a vision or by her own mouth. She waited for the vision to help her out, but none of it was happening. She tried to joke about it and to send green lights, which all failed her. She decided and braced up and let him know. It was very bad; he had not just moved on, he had a girl.

She was left to struggle with herself, her God and her life. She accused life for being unfair, asked God why he watched and did nothing as she plunged into such mess, and chided herself for not being careful enough. But since the beginning of their friendship was vague and unclear to her, the end of it may have decided to be clearer.

 

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “To love and to let go

  1. “…..but since the beginning of their friendship was vague and unclear to her, the end of it may have decided to be clearer”

    Oh beauty, if I didn’t know how sad this was, I would actually be clapping right now!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Quite a heart wrench… lol!
      You can stop your heart from stuff like these by being in control, I guess…
      For instance, deciding and committing to protecting your emotions from flowing all over the place…
      lol
      thanks for stopping by.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s