I wasn’t even planning on writing any sequel. But since I can keep sharing, why not?
Without even knowing it, I had become this person who would no longer only do things for God to bless her. People have taken so much advantage of me, I will convince myself; so, no more. I would look out for myself and will be sure I was first safe, always, before doing for people. I was saying no to emotional trauma, after all, and was right by my own standing. But guess where that plunged me into? Trust issues with God.
Yes, with God!
I went from this all believing, God-just-say-the-word-and-I’m-doing-it-right-away-girl to some new God-you’ll-have-to-prove-to-me-that-I’m-safe-before-I’m-doing-this-girl. And actually, it was just one ‘bad’ experience that plunged me into all of this o. I’m the type of person that learns her lessons the first time. Once is usually enough for me to get it. But this time around, I didn’t realize that I was doing myself in by myself, so I ‘saved myself’ and missed out on all of the God adventure…
But thank God for the realization of how empty these past months have been without the thrill of God at the center: of doing things with the focus on ‘for him to bless you’ (even if that’s all you eventually get). It’s been frustrating, to be honest, these past months of looking out for myself: so much hard work with little/no results… Because, guess what, it didn’t stop no one from taking advantage, lol…
So, I’m gladly back again, to doing it for God, and trusting that he’ll carry me through whenever the strength fails me, which is looking like every day.
I am also trusting/praying/hoping that I will be fine learning to trust God again, and not have to constantly give God that stare of are-you-still-here-with-me-though?
That I will consistently give it all up to him yet again (and still be fine). It feels painful and I don’t even know why. It should be fine, shouldn’t it?